Country Garden
(Words: Mark Smulian & others, 2003
Tune: ‘English Country
Garden’; trad. arr. Percy Grainger)
1. You’ll end up in the dock
If you whip out your cock
In an English country
garden
You’ll be up before the beak
Unless it’s for a leak
In New Labour’s country
garden
You can certainly remove
Cummerbunds and shoes
Without shocking Mr Blunkett
But I fear he’d have a fit
If he heard you’d flashed your tit
In your
English country garden
2. A ménage a trois,
Is going much too far
In an English country garden
If your preference is for buggery,
Don’t try it in the shrubbery
Of an
English country garden
Rubber’s fine for hoses
But not for other poses
In New Labour’s nanny state
But you will have to pay a fine
If you do a sixty-nine
In your English
country garden
3. You can’t have a golden shower
Beneath a fragrant bower
In your English
country garden
If you take it from behind
New Labour you will find
In your English country
garden
Just remember that it’s easy
On Labour’s CCTV
To spy on your private places
But with Blunkett you’re alright
If you shut the door quite tight
In a
public lavatory
4. If your fancy is some frottage
Best go inside your cottage
Not an English
country garden
When you’re going necking
Don’t do it on the decking
In your English country
garden
When watering the garden
Make sure to hide your hard-on
Or Labour will be
prying
But if you shove it in a hole
Don’t do it with a mole
In your English
country garden
5. Labour says it will get tough
On John Thomases and muffs
Seen in English
country gardens
If you lie out on the grass
Be sure to hide your arse
In your English
country garden
In private on your patio
You may not do fellatio
Or bonk in the conservatory
But if you flash your private parts
That’s when the prosecution starts
In
New Labour’s country garden
Additional topical verses:
6. It’s you who’ll take the rap
If you lie there eating crap
In an English country garden
If he’s covered you in shit
Best clean your football kit
In your English country garden
When doing the unspeakable
Make sure you hold your tool
Where there’s no photographer
Or you’ll end up in the Screws
Look, just do it in the loo
Not your English country garden
7. When your constituency’s in Hants
And a rent boy fills his pants
In an English country garden
For the pants you’ll need a place
Hide them in your brief-case
And not your English country garden
If you’re facing number twos
Better use the private loos
And not a dive in Paddington
Or you’ll end up in the press
With your face in a mess
In an English country garden
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