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Song – Country Garden
11 September 2006 (11:10:50)
This song was first performed at the Liberal Revue in Brighton, September 2003. That year, the Labour government introduced the Sexual Offences Bill. It was ambitious in scope, seeking to overhaul completely a hundred years or more of legislation and align the law with the social mores of the 21st century. But this reforming zeal had the consequence of introducing possible new crimes which may – or possibly may not – have been intended. David Blunkett was the Home Secretary responsible for introducing the Bill.

Postscript: This song is endlessly adaptable. Following the appearance of a certain individual in the News of the World, some topical additions were written, which may be found in the form of verses 6 and 7 below.

Country Garden

(Words: Mark Smulian & others, 2003
Tune: ‘English Country Garden’; trad. arr. Percy Grainger)

1. You’ll end up in the dock
If you whip out your cock
In an English country garden

You’ll be up before the beak
Unless it’s for a leak
In New Labour’s country garden

You can certainly remove
Cummerbunds and shoes
Without shocking Mr Blunkett

But I fear he’d have a fit
If he heard you’d flashed your tit
In your English country garden

2. A ménage a trois,
Is going much too far
In an English country garden

If your preference is for buggery,
Don’t try it in the shrubbery
Of an English country garden

Rubber’s fine for hoses
But not for other poses
In New Labour’s nanny state

But you will have to pay a fine
If you do a sixty-nine
In your English country garden

3. You can’t have a golden shower
Beneath a fragrant bower
In your English country garden

If you take it from behind
New Labour you will find
In your English country garden

Just remember that it’s easy
On Labour’s CCTV
To spy on your private places

But with Blunkett you’re alright
If you shut the door quite tight
In a public lavatory

4. If your fancy is some frottage
Best go inside your cottage
Not an English country garden

When you’re going necking
Don’t do it on the decking
In your English country garden

When watering the garden
Make sure to hide your hard-on
Or Labour will be prying

But if you shove it in a hole
Don’t do it with a mole
In your English country garden

5. Labour says it will get tough
On John Thomases and muffs
Seen in English country gardens

If you lie out on the grass
Be sure to hide your arse
In your English country garden

In private on your patio
You may not do fellatio
Or bonk in the conservatory

But if you flash your private parts
That’s when the prosecution starts
In New Labour’s country garden

 

Additional topical verses:

6. It’s you who’ll take the rap
If you lie there eating crap
In an English country garden

If he’s covered you in shit
Best clean your football kit
In your English country garden

When doing the unspeakable
Make sure you hold your tool
Where there’s no photographer

Or you’ll end up in the Screws
Look, just do it in the loo
Not your English country garden

7. When your constituency’s in Hants
And a rent boy fills his pants
In an English country garden

For the pants you’ll need a place
Hide them in your brief-case
And not your English country garden

If you’re facing number twos
Better use the private loos
And not a dive in Paddington

Or you’ll end up in the press
With your face in a mess
In an English country garden

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